For the first time in my life i am afraid of the change that is happening around me. I keep telling myself I’m not, but I am.. the events in my life lately have been very unfortunate in some ways. I’ve learned some valuable lessons from my mistakes, but history has a way repeating itself it seems. It funny how that happens. I guess i haven’t truly learned my lesson if I keep making the same mistakes.
I use to embrace change and be excited for it. I’m miss that feeling.
The shit that can happen in one year blows my mind. Time just keeps passing me by faster and faster. And I’ve been told it never slows down to let me catch up.
I hate that the negative events this year definitely outweigh the positive.
This year has been one of the hardest times for my family. i’m not going to go into detail but I wish I didn’t know some thing.
I got my heart broken this year. I think something is wrong with me cause a guy can’t stand me for longer then 4 months.
I feel very recluse when it comes to my relationships with my friends and family. I wish i could just open up more. I wish I could just be confident. Granted I am working on it but this year has tested me nonstop.
I’ve cried more this year then I have the past 2 years before this one. Why have I changed? What has changed in me? Maybe its because I let certain people in that i shouldn’t of. I use to be so independent..no one could knock me down and make feel so small.
I’m so sick of feeling. it may be time to turn it off again. but i know thats me being a coward. Even though its easier temporarily its so hard later when I decide to care again.
Im such a hypocrite. I act like I’m a hard ass that is so headstrong and independent. But I’m just as fragile as everybody else.
Why are ur words more meaningful when ur gone..
This song reminds me of this time last year. The beginning of my slope down hill.. Whether its actual medicines, alcohol, drugs, or a person. Medicine doesn’t always heal. It might be comforting at first. If I’ve learned anything this past year, its that comfort should only be temporary and in small doses. Eventually the old comfort techniques no longer work. Don’t over indulge in the medicines this world offers. Trust me when I say eventually it won’t work. You will either be broken or just learn not to feel anything. There is only one cure. Jesus Christ.
"You got a warm heart, you got a beautiful brain, but its disintegrating..from all the medicine"
I’ve been on this long continuous slope downward for sometime now. I don’t know what to do about it either. I NEED HELP. I mean I don’t talk to anyone. I’m bound to go down eventually lol. I know I can talk to some people, but, I never want to even when I have opportune moments to. I guess thats why I am blogging about it instead?
I have caught myself in situations that I never wanted to be in..or ever thought possible I would be in. for example: I almost let myself like someone that gets with a different girl every weekend and does cocain… like really? am I that dumb? I guess I go for what I think I deserve. Do I deserve someone like that? I’m no better than this person.. but I don’t need that in my life. I need to completely stay away from unpredictable people that don’t know what they want. for one I don’t know what I want.
Thats nothing compared to the rest of the crap I’m dealing with.
I’M A LITTLE DEPRESSED. I think I’ll make it through though, cause I have random moments, like now, that make me realize I still care a little. But something needs to happen..and soon..Intervention. like now. And as much as I don’t want anyone to know I’m sad I still would like someone to talk to.
God, please help me. I lost ME somewhere down this steep slope and your light grows dimmer and dimmer.